who i am when no one’s around

I am blessed to have the life I do. I’m surrounded by people whom I love every day. I’m supported by people who want nothing but the best for me, for me to experience all that life has to offer. I’m surrounded by people who love and respect themselves and others, who have a healthy sense of humor, and who have purpose and drive.

There is a woman in my life whom I love very much. She has helped me more than I think she realizes sometimes and I know today that’s a debt I can never repay her. (My best bet at “repaying” the “favor” is to pass it on. I can do that.)

This woman is an older, more mature, far wiser version of me and I love it; I really cannot get enough of her. What short, frumpy, brown-haired, brown-eyed girl wouldn’t love to have a taller, blonde, green-eyed, skinny version of her running around? Especially when you factor in the first things I mentioned?

This woman inspires me to be a better person. She inspires me to love deeply, honestly and earnestly. She makes me want to be a better woman, friend, daughter, sister, niece. She helps me to see where my faults lie while never shortchanging what good qualities I possess. She, in a word, is a blessing.

As I tried to rouse myself from sleep early one morning, she listened to me babble on about my life and busy schedule. I’ve had an opportunity recently to spend some time alone in an empty house, to take a mini vaca from my usual circumstances, but have not really availed myself of that opportunity. As per her usual suggestions, she asked that I might consider being still for a while, not running out the door to find something to do when my schedule required nothing. I knew she was going someplace uncomfortable with that remark but I try not to recoil too often when she does this. These are usually my biggest moments for growth.

She posed to me the question that her own mentor (if that’s what you’ll consider her) had asked her once.

Who are you when no one’s around?

She of course had the best answer to her own question: What does it matter if no one’s around? I chuckled. She tickles me constantly. But when the laughter dies down and I really look at what has been posed, I have to wonder. Who am I really when no one is around? Do I know myself? Do I want to know myself?

These are the questions I have to consider today. These are the questions, I have a distinct feeling, that will shape who I will be tomorrow. I do not yet know who I am at my very core. I know that I love deeply and passionately many people, things, ideas. I know that I laugh often and much. I know that I’m most at peace outdoors. But are these things uniquely me? Who am I really? What am I all about?

These are the things I hope to discover.

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~ by Elle on May 7, 2009.

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