papa angel

i’m really sad today about my papa angel who is dying in a nursing home. i haven’t been able to go up there in a long time – probably a month at least – and i miss him. the idea that he will never be who he was again has hit me … again. and it makes me sad for my grandma, my mom, my sister, and my whole family.

he loved to garden, to work with his hands growing beautiful flowers and other plants. he loved this earth that god gave us so, so much. he was always outside. and when he wasn’t outside he was inside drinking his coffee, big red, or big peach and doing a crossword puzzle.

he loved wheel of fortune and those crazy mexican shows with mariachi bands.

he built birdhouses and stools and tool boxes. he made things for other people regularly and though he was shy about giving it away, i knew it fulfilled him to do those things for others.

he would tell the same jokes every time we saw him. and he would repeat himself two or three times over dinner to make sure everyone got the punch line. and he’d laugh every time.

“why you!” and “you better be nice!” are two of my most favorite expressions of his.

when i was little and would leave the house, he would always say, “laura, be good!” and i would say, “I’ll try!”

he doesn’t say those things very much anymore and when he does, i cry. because i know he’s in there – i just can’t see him anymore.

i’ve dried my eyes at least six times in the last hour. it’s hitting hard today. i miss my papa. (and yet, i can’t bring myself to see him. why can’t i just go see him?)

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~ by Elle on October 26, 2009.

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